I lower my fragile body into the hot water. Oh, how small and broken I truly am. I am trembling. I am terrified of the uncertainty. Where did all of this pain come from? I thought my heart was strong enough. Why do the tears come so easily?
I lie in the cooling water. Everything feels heavier. Why is it so hard to move in the water? I am pulled down deeper and deeper. It is though I have been throw into the bottom of the ocean, but my limbs have been replaced with lead. The pressure is crushing my soul. I cannot breathe. Oh, please do not let me drown. If I must die, then may death come. But do not let it come by the suffocating loneliness of rejection- of heartbreak.
All the emotions are colliding to form on thought: this is it. There are no more answers or escapes. Here comes the end. No! This cannot be it. Every fiber of my being fights against the crippling pain. There must be more. Isn’t love worth enough to fight this sinking feeling? Everything inside me screams into the abyss. I am yelling for help, for a reason to keep fighting. Anything. Do not let this be the end. The darkness is closing in, and there is no light left inside of me.
Oh, dear lover of mine, will you not come and rescue me? Fill my heart with your light hearted spirit. Do not let me drown. Do not let my frozen bones die here. My eyes search desperately for any sign- any voice, any warmth. Where have you gone? Come back.
I lower my fragile heart into oblivion.
Lately I have been feeling like a hot mess- more like just the second part of that. The days when my heart is heavy are more frequent. My bones feel like lead. It’s harder to keep moving. Every step requires more and more effort. I keep wondering if an easier day is ever going to dawn.
Then the stillness comes. A silent car ride to camp. Quiet wind. Simple beauty in the motionless flower. Birds resting on branches. Stillness before the Almighty Creator. And I am overwhelmed.
Everything else fades into oblivion. Fears. Worries. Messiness. Rejection. Doubts. Selfishness. Sin. It all becomes a mere reminder of how in need of Jesus I really am. He died a gruesome death- for us. God actually sent His ONLY Son to die on the cross for us selfish sinners.
My soul is humbled.
So I unclench my fists, let go of my burdens, and praise the LORD.