m i s s i o n a r y -- k i d

Not gonna lie- I was really dreading this entire week. Every day was supposed to bring a somber reality of pain. And so with a heavy heart, this week has come.

But I wasn’t expecting all of the small graces of this week. Driving to work with one of my best friends. Taking the first set of pictures for the recently acquired film camera. Blue skies calling me to keep moving. Getting coffee with friends. Sharing music and stories with friends. And then the one that humbled me the most- a twig pencil. A pencil that is a twig. Nothing could have been more perfect.

Each day has been full of strength and perseverance. By the Creator’s mercy do I keep breathing. Here’s to the process of healing that lies ahead.

I guess we’re just not in the swing of things yet?

//untitled end

I lower my fragile body into the hot water. Oh, how small and broken I truly am. I am trembling. I am terrified of the uncertainty. Where did all of this pain come from? I thought my heart was strong enough. Why do the tears come so easily?

I lie in the cooling water. Everything feels heavier. Why is it so hard to move in the water? I am pulled down deeper and deeper. It is though I have been throw into the bottom of the ocean, but my limbs have been replaced with lead. The pressure is crushing my soul. I cannot breathe. Oh, please do not let me drown. If I must die, then may death come. But do not let it come by the suffocating loneliness of rejection- of heartbreak.

All the emotions are colliding to form on thought: this is it. There are no more answers or escapes. Here comes the end. No! This cannot be it. Every fiber of my being fights against the crippling pain. There must be more. Isn’t love worth enough to fight this sinking feeling? Everything inside me screams into the abyss. I am yelling for help, for a reason to keep fighting. Anything. Do not let this be the end. The darkness is closing in, and there is no light left inside of me.

Oh, dear lover of mine, will you not come and rescue me? Fill my heart with your light hearted spirit. Do not let me drown. Do not let my frozen bones die here. My eyes search desperately for any sign- any voice, any warmth. Where have you gone? Come back.

I lower my fragile heart into oblivion.

Purposeful and permanent distance between the hearts.
Do yo thang, swag-alicious.
I’ve decided to take a year off. I’ve decided to transfer to a different college. I’ve decided to work and work until I can afford to go to that different college. I’ve decided to close my heart, and never let myself go ever again. I’ve decided to never love again. 

Many, many, many decisions made. Most merely to be admitted, never followed. At least that is what I hope for with every fiber of my being. Because I have fallen in love.

//a good kind of broken

Lately I have been feeling like a hot mess- more like just the second part of that. The days when my heart is heavy are more frequent. My bones feel like lead. It’s harder to keep moving. Every step requires more and more effort. I keep wondering if an easier day is ever going to dawn.

Then the stillness comes. A silent car ride to camp. Quiet wind. Simple beauty in the motionless flower. Birds resting on branches. Stillness before the Almighty Creator. And I am overwhelmed.

Everything else fades into oblivion. Fears. Worries. Messiness. Rejection. Doubts. Selfishness. Sin. It all becomes a mere reminder of how in need of Jesus I really am. He died a gruesome death- for us. God actually sent His ONLY Son to die on the cross for us selfish sinners.

My soul is humbled.

So I unclench my fists, let go of my burdens, and praise the LORD.

Friends. Dear friends who care and pray for you. Those who listen and want to give you advice.

These two. Mary Catherine and Kaitlyn. This sisterhood in Christ and friendship warms my heart. It’s really humbling once you start to see how much grace God puts in our lives. Oh, how loving is our Father who gives us friends.

@seedscoffee is always good

Being a camp counselor,
Walking through days of camp,
Playing soccer after camp,
Coffee at coffee shops,
Driving friends home,
Car rides with el hombre,
El hombre with his car,
Saturday morning markets,
Flowers- lots of flowers,
Sun bathing by the pool,

Here’s to my first real summer full of summery things. And to a warm, fuzzy heart.